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Applying EFT in Clinical Practice

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EFT for Couples Therapy

by Patricia Carrington

There are some EFT and therapy sessions that leave me feeling, "This is how it should be.� It?s why I?m in this work."� A recent EFT session with a couple had this effect on me.

"Rich" had been seeing me on and off for individual psychotherapy for over two years.� I had also seen saw him and his wife "Leila" for couples? sessions on a number of occasions ? these were highly productive meetings where we made extensive use of EFT.� This couple also learned to use EFT at home, guiding each other and their children through sessions with considerable success when anyone in the family faced an emotional or physical challenge.

In light of their familiarity with EFT and regular use of it, it is particularly instructive to note what occurred when Leila recently had to be guided through the procedure by another person, in this case myself, in a couples? counseling session.� As a result, she was able to accomplish something she was not able to achieve by going through the technique alone.� This reminded me of how often we can?t see the forest for the trees when it comes to ourselves, no matter how sensitive we may be to others? issues or able to help them.

Rich and Leila are a devoted couple but they have had some changes in their home life which have made for difficulty.� The most troublesome problem they faced was the one for which Rich originally sought treatment ? a radical change in the family?s everyday life that occurred when Rich switched careers two years ago.

Leila had encouraged him to leave his job of many years standing where his time was extremely flexible and his work was "left at the office" at night, and return to graduate school to train for a totally different career.� The first job Rich obtained in his new field, however, was extremely time consuming and he could no longer drop home for lunch, or leave early enough in the day to drive the children to their extra-curricular activities, and so forth.� Also, he was able to spend much less time with Leila, who worked in a home business and was on the premises most of the day, and even when he was at home, she often didn?t have his full attention now because he had brought work home to do.

This triggered in Leila feelings of abandonment stemming from her childhood, and she found herself attacking Rich for "neglecting" her and the family, and repeatedly nagging him to pay more attention to her. Fortunately, Leila sought therapy for this problem (with another therapist, not me), but Rich was left to deal with her distressing reactions, as well as a host of uncertainties about his own professional competency which had been triggered by the new career.� As a result he became anxious, depressed and increasingly withdrawn.� This, in turn, alarmed and annoyed Leila even more, so a vicious circle was set in motion.

When Rich came to me for therapy, he was extremely worried about his relationship with Leila and also afraid that he might not be able to "make it" in his chosen field because his first job experience had turned out to be negative and in a sense he was treated there as an absolute novice.� We started in by working on his ability to tolerate Leila?s anxiety and frequent verbal attacks during this transitional period because that was the most pressing issue.� There were many triggers at work here, and we tackled them systematically for a number of sessions:

"Even though she says ?You?re not talking to me??"

"Even though there?s nothing I can do that pleases her ?"

"Even though she says the marriage will be over if this keeps up?"

"Even though I?m very scared of losing her...?

And so on, until gradually he was able to handle these occurrences in a balanced manner.� At that point we began to devote more attention to building his self-confidence with respect to his creative abilities and competence at work.� In the process we used EFT to address many early childhood experiences which had caused him to accept a lesser role in life and not develop his considerable innate abilities.� He was also able to do a lot of EFT "homework" as well, which served as an important support to him during this period.

Rich changed greatly over the course of therapy.� His depression lifted and he began to stand up for the goals he had set for himself, with pride and confidence.� During this time we made considerable use of "Choice" cards that contained affirmations relating to the issues he had been working on (See the use of Choices with EFT), and these reinforced the therapy greatly.

As a result of being able to handle job interviews with more confidence, Rich finally obtained a much more satisfactory job in his new field and began to really come into his own.� Eventually Leila regained her security as she saw him beginning to handle his work life and his home life in a very different manner.� And by the time this past summer rolled around, the couple had established a new rhythm in their home life and felt happily close to one another again.� They were so optimistic about their state, in fact, that Rich now came in only for an occasional therapy session with me, when a new work challenge arose.

Therefore, I was surprised when he told me recently that he and Leila were again facing difficulties in their relationship, although certainly not as severe ones as originally.� Although she knew that he was doing extremely well on his new job and obtaining recognition there for his work, Leila was once again anxious and upset with him, and he found himself increasingly withdrawn from her.

It seemed clear that we needed to schedule a couples? session to address this.� Rich was unable to explain why the trouble had arisen between them and I needed Leila?s input.� I also felt that a couple?s session could prevent a more serious situation from developing between them.

When they came in for their appointment, I noticed that Leila?s usually animated and sensitive face looked as though cast in stone.� While she was willing to be there, she seemed nothing short of grim.� Rich had a subdued, almost sullen look on his face.� Since I had not seen Leila for a long while, and Rich had given me no clues as to the origin of this new problem between them, I asked Leila what she thought was going on.

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